Sunday, January 15, 2012

Sudden anger

I will always be the girl you think about when you lay down next to her at night. When your life goes to hell, you'll hate yourself even more when you're constantly reminded you let - probably the best thing you'll ever find in your life - go. You'll come across old pictures of me or us, and you'll be able to remember exactly when they were taken. You'll go places that we used to frequent, and you'll hear songs I used to sing to you obnoxiously. You're gonna watch movies we used to watch together on repeat. You're gonna go out to eat at the places I always loved to eat. You will do all those things and you will miss me so much, just like I used to miss you when you were right in front of me. You'll smile to yourself and think about all our good times. But not as much as you will when you're drunk. When things don't go right between you & whoever, you'll think back to me & wonder what would have happened if you would have changed like I begged you to. At first I didn't want to leave, but you left me no choice. You will ALWAYS think of me, I'm sure of this. When you look at her, you'll remember looking at me. Her eyes may be green but the blue shade of mine will always be there reflecting in the back of your mind. My laugh, my smile, my scent... will never leave you. Your heart will ache with so much pain like I felt. You'll meet girl after girl that will seem so different, but in time they will be so similar to me. And you will wonder why you just can't seem to escape such a nightmare. I hope every inch of memories you have of me haunt you until you're on your last breath. You'll question what it is you did wrong, but I won't be there to repeat myself for the 30th time like I did before it was too late. You may forget me for a moment in time, but I'll always be there... eventually, just right around the corner. The pot won't mask it & the alcohol won't make you forget me, you will only remember that much more. I used to have so much hate for you, but then I realized that hating you took more energy out of me than forgiving you did. I can be optimistic about it all though, because you were my first love - surely not my last. You taught me more lessons than I could ever hope to learn on my own; I learned more in the 2 years with you than my whole 18 years of existence. I really can honestly tell you thank you for being who you are. Because of you I hated myself so much and I'm struggling trying to make ends meet and not have to do so anymore. I feel like I'm still stuck in a lot of chains -- and it starts with you. I struggled to move on for the longest time, and I couldn't live right without doing so. It really sucks though, doesn't it? Now you get to be the one to hurt. You get to feel the pain I felt EVERY DAY. But you'll never know what it felt like to have your heart shattered like I did, not even close. You took the biggest amount of life from me that someone could only fear of losing. I died inside, little by little til there was nothing left. But I'm learning to live again. Slowly but surely. & my heart is healing while yours is slowly dying.

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